The Downs

Malin, Carin and I went to The Downs and had a walk from Ditchling Beacon to Devil's Dyke and it's a walk for about 7 miles (more or less 10 km). It was a beautiful walk and the weather was really nice! :) We had a great time. When we arrived to Devil's Dyke we had a pic nic and relaxed for a bit. Then we took the bus back to Brighton. We might do this soon again since we all enjoyed it so much! :)

A big laugh!

I am taking pictures to follow my way to skinnyness... *laughing* I was posing in front of my camera and I look really silly and I laugh hard every time I see this picture. As entertainment I will share that one with you.

What the f**ck am I doing?!

Ok, right now I think I have a cerebral haemorrhage. What am I doing?! Ok, I got disappointed when I was rejected. It felt as if nothing mattered, that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, no matter how much weight I loose. I just lost my motivation!

I have been eating sweets for one month now. During this month I have lost about 0,5 kg. What a waste of time! I could have lost so much more if I didn't eat chocolate and shit!!! Still, I can't help myself. I say to myself that I will not buy that shit, but still I buy it and eat it as if I'm not consious. It's as if I wake up afterwards and see the chocolate-stains on my fingers, the taste in my mouth and I realise that I have been eating something I shouldn't. How can I stop it?! I hate myself!

My personal trainer is back from holiday tomorrow. I know it's stupid, but I am hoping for a miracle. I am afraid he will get really angry and tell me off - it really scares me... But perhaps that is what I need to stop with this negative behaviour... It is waste of time and money if I continue to eat chocolate. Good, it feels as if I am loosing myself... I'm drowning...

Letting myself down

I have had a couple of really tough weeks. I have been sad, I have had chocolate, my knee got swollen, I caught a cold. Really shitty weeks... :(

I was doing my workout on Saturday and then I felt my knee wasn't good. Told my PT about it and he checked it and said I need to give it some rest. Just do some cardio for a few days. Then I had my restingday on Sunday and then on Monday it was bankholiday, but I was working and when I left work the gym was closed so no workout on Monday either. Then I got sick (cold)... Went to the gym anyway on Wednesday. I was just going into the sauna, but I couldn't resist to do some workout... Felt quite exhausted afterwards. So no workout either Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Been out for some walks thought, so I have at least used my body a bit! Today it's Sunday and I went to the gym for the first time for ages!!! It felt so good!

Now I need to stay on track! I love the exercise, but I do have some problems with my diet. Everything got fucked up when I went back to Sweden. After that I lost everything... Must resist my cravings!

Now my PT is on holiday for 2 weeks so I must be good! I want to make him (and myself) proud of me when he is coming back! Want to reach my goal - have 1o more kilos to loose! Then I will look great - at least I hope so...

Well, now it's time to be useful...

Jogging

I have started jogging outside and it's great! :) Last week when I was in Sweden I was jogging 5 km and that was ok. I also went cycling - 30 km. I am just getting better and better!

I can also see the difference and I get so many compliments. I have also noticed that men are noticing me much more. Don't know wether it's because I look better, or if it's because I feel better now when I loose weight and get more fit. Suppose it's a combination. I feel beatiful and I think the sparkles in my eyes are back!

My PT said something interesting today. He said: See yourself as an artist. You are sculpturing your new body. Sometimes when I feel down and want to eat sweets I should remember that it's not worth it.

One other thing he said is that I am able to do so many things that others can't do. I am capable of doing so much, a lot more than others. I know it's silly, but I feel a bit better knowing that I am doing a good job. We all have our challanges.

Need a new hobby?

Today I sent a question to my PT. I asked him how long it must be between cardio workout and workout with weights. He hasn't replied yet but I suppose I will get the answer on my next session.

I asked this because I have a lot of time during the weekends so I was thinking perhaps I could workout twice a day. Perhaps go out jogging in the morning and do some weights in the afternoon. Hmmm... Life is not just about training is it? It feels like I am trying to flee from life, that I am hiding at the gym. Perhaps it's time to get a life, find some more friends and perhaps create a new hobby?

I don't know what that would be though... Perhaps I should study something? Start to play the guitar? I don't want to make my choices out of fear, so I should challange myself and do what I am most afraid of. I just don't really know what that is yet.

Any suggestions are welcome...

Stomach ache

Yesterday I couldn't help to try feta cheese and that I regret after wards. Got horrible stomach ache! Thought it would be ok since it's sheep's and goat's milk but obviously not...

Today I also got stomach ache. Don't know why though... A bit irritating! Perhaps it can be because I have had dinner quite late the last week. Need to cook food in before hand. Don't like late dinners. Shouldn't have them either accordning to my PT, so...

Had dinner with Edith, Antonio and Susie today. Edith made Fajhitas and it was delicious! The only thing I shouldn't eat is the bread, the rest is just chicken and vegetables and guacamole and that is healthy food. We had a really nice time! I was hoping to go out dancing, but as usual everyone was tired so I went home to my bed instead...