Empty space

I haven't written that much here since I moved back to Sweden. Will do my best to make a change to the better...

Just wrote this today:
"Have you ever felt as if you had an empty space within you? As if the darkness is spreading, eating you up from inside? How can pain appear from nothing? Because darkness is like an empty space, a big nothing…

How can I fill this empty space? How will I ease the pain?

I’m eating… Sweets, chocolate… I’m chewing faster, pressing it down in my mouth. Trying to fill up my stomach, to fill the empty space in there!

Soon I start to feel nauseous… The sweets makes me nauseous, it gives me stomach ache, but I can’t stop.

Then I get sad and start to cry… I don’t want to be a fat girl! I can’t see myself in the mirror, I hate my own reflection!

I am fat and disgust others. I disgust myself. All I want, is to become thin! The black hole within me is getting bigger and bigger, and it’s eating me up from inside…"

Need to sort my life

It feels like my life is put on hold. Maybe it's because I live in my mother's flat. I depend on her and she has just broke up with her boyfriend so I feel obliged to support and comfort her. I just feel so tired... I can't concentrate, I can't study and next week we are going to become Lic. Fitness instructors. I think I will have to run the test again - I won't make it the way it is now...

I know it's my life - I need to sort myself... I have to stop eating to loose weight - I hate myself this way! I want to regain control! I need to say no sometimes too. Why do I get so affected by the people around me? I wish I had no feelings what so ever - then I would never be broken hearted and I did not have to get affected by other people's problems...

Don't want to winge all the time, but I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I feel sad, drained of energy and I feel sooo angry!!!

Relationships

I am so fed up with dating! I want to meet someone, but how can I do that when I can't stand dating? I've quit internet dejting - I just get disappointed all the time.

So, how will I meet a guy who will turn my life around when I don't do dating anymore?

I've heard about women bumping into a guy at the supermarket but that will never happen here in Sweden! In England maybe - guys are more upfront there. In Sweden the guys are more shy and and introverted. In Sweden guys often need alcohol to even get the courage to talk to a girl! Do I sound harsh and bitter?! Well, maybe I am... Maybe I'm already lost and coloured by the world around me.

Why is it that everyone is just looking for sex? Where did the love go? Why is it that hard to find a guy who can actually fall in love, who want to hold hands, who want to have a pic nic and just enjoy each others company.

I can't help it, but I am counting... I've been single for more than 4,5 years now. In August I've been single for five years... What's wrong with me?!

I just want someone who loves me for who I am - is that too much to ask?!

Family and holidays

In Sweden this day is almost like a bankholiday - most people work only half day. It's a bit like Halloween - children are dressed up like "påskkärringar" - ugly women, similar to wiches. They knock on every door and hand out selfmade cards, wishing people a Happy Easter and they will get sweets in return. This is a family holiday, but I start to wonder what have happened to my family. We have no traditions what so ever! We don't care wether it's Fathers Day or almost not even when it's someones birthday. We don't celebrate Christmas that much either. That makes me sad...

Since my Grandmother past away a lot of the traditions went with her. She tried to keep my father and his brothers together and twice a year I had the opportunity to meet my cousins.

My family are spread all over the world. My parents are divorsed, my sister lives in England... We are all split up! I don't like Family Holidays because I feel really lonely. Maybe it will be better if I have a family on my own, a boyfriend and children, but will that ever happen?

My father just called me and invited me for dinner tomorrow and that feels good! He lives together with Gunnel, and her daughter has just had a baby - so I will meet the baby for the first time tomorrow. I hardly know Jill, the babys mother, but I'm sooo excited to meet the baby. I never thought I would get this "baby-sick"...

Gained weight

Well, I've gained almost 4 kilos since I moved back to Sweden. Well, it started in Brighton, when I was sick and in bed for almost three weeks! Then, when I came back to Sweden, unfortunately I have been munching sweets like crazy! I don't know how to stop it - I can't handle myself! It makes me really annoyed, but now I have started to write down what I eat in a daily diary and I also bought a scale yesterday so I can keep track on my weight.

I will loose 10 kilos.

But the main goal is to accept myself. I realise that even if I do loose weight (I know I can make it!) I will not be happy. I need to accept who I am and be able to say that I am magnificent and that I am good enough. For my health I will loose weight but as a person I am good as I am already. People likes me for who I am, because I am caring, friendly, honest and smiling. I am a determind person who will succeed with whatever I want to achive!

It's hard work to accept yourself, especially when you have been hating yourself all those years... But it's up to me now - it's my choice - how I want to live my life...

Absent

Sorry, I haven't updated this site for ages!

I have moved back to Sweden! I am now a student in Uppsala. I'm studying Hälsoutveckling, translated to English I would say it's something like Wellness development. I will learn how to help people to live a healthy life. I love it! It's so much fun!

Since I'm back in Sweden I will not just write about my new life - I will write about my thoughts about life, relationships and so on.

Enjoy!

Looking forward to Christmas

I am looking forward to Christmas. I don't even think of the appointment I have, even though that can make a difference in my life, but why worry?!

Some friends are coming over for dinner. I will have my Christmas dinner after all! I love having friends over for dinner! I will bake "lussebullar", maybe "kladdkaka" and some other stuff. We went to Ikea a few weeks ago and there we bought pepparkakor, glögg, sill, julmust mm. This will be a real Swedish Christmas.

The funny thing is that a guy from Sweden will come here too. His father lives in London so he will go till his father first, and then he will come down to Brighton and celebrate Christmas with us. His cousin might come too. The more the merrier!

Boxing Day (Annandag jul) Malin and I are going to Nahla, to have dinner with her and her two grown up kids. That will be really nice.

The only thing I miss is the Christmas Tree... We don't have room for it! Our kitchen is too crowded and we don't have a living room. Maybe a small one to put on the table?!