My new life

Empty space

2009-07-14T22:54:00.004+01:00

I haven't written that much here since I moved back to Sweden. Will do my best to make a change to the better...

Just wrote this today:
"Have you ever felt as if you had an empty space within you? As if the darkness is spreading, eating you up from inside? How can pain appear from nothing? Because darkness is like an empty space, a big nothing…

How can I fill this empty space? How will I ease the pain?

I’m eating… Sweets, chocolate… I’m chewing faster, pressing it down in my mouth. Trying to fill up my stomach, to fill the empty space in there!

Soon I start to feel nauseous… The sweets makes me nauseous, it gives me stomach ache, but I can’t stop.

Then I get sad and start to cry… I don’t want to be a fat girl! I can’t see myself in the mirror, I hate my own reflection!

I am fat and disgust others. I disgust myself. All I want, is to become thin! The black hole within me is getting bigger and bigger, and it’s eating me up from inside…"

Need to sort my life

2009-04-19T18:42:00.004+01:00

It feels like my life is put on hold. Maybe it's because I live in my mother's flat. I depend on her and she has just broke up with her boyfriend so I feel obliged to support and comfort her. I just feel so tired... I can't concentrate, I can't study and next week we are going to become Lic. Fitness instructors. I think I will have to run the test again - I won't make it the way it is now...

I know it's my life - I need to sort myself... I have to stop eating to loose weight - I hate myself this way! I want to regain control! I need to say no sometimes too. Why do I get so affected by the people around me? I wish I had no feelings what so ever - then I would never be broken hearted and I did not have to get affected by other people's problems...

Don't want to winge all the time, but I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I feel sad, drained of energy and I feel sooo angry!!!

Relationships

2009-04-09T16:10:00.002+01:00

I am so fed up with dating! I want to meet someone, but how can I do that when I can't stand dating? I've quit internet dejting - I just get disappointed all the time.

So, how will I meet a guy who will turn my life around when I don't do dating anymore?

I've heard about women bumping into a guy at the supermarket but that will never happen here in Sweden! In England maybe - guys are more upfront there. In Sweden the guys are more shy and and introverted. In Sweden guys often need alcohol to even get the courage to talk to a girl! Do I sound harsh and bitter?! Well, maybe I am... Maybe I'm already lost and coloured by the world around me.

Why is it that everyone is just looking for sex? Where did the love go? Why is it that hard to find a guy who can actually fall in love, who want to hold hands, who want to have a pic nic and just enjoy each others company.

I can't help it, but I am counting... I've been single for more than 4,5 years now. In August I've been single for five years... What's wrong with me?!

I just want someone who loves me for who I am - is that too much to ask?!

Family and holidays

2009-04-09T15:07:00.006+01:00

In Sweden this day is almost like a bankholiday - most people work only half day. It's a bit like Halloween - children are dressed up like "påskkärringar" - ugly women, similar to wiches. They knock on every door and hand out selfmade cards, wishing people a Happy Easter and they will get sweets in return. This is a family holiday, but I start to wonder what have happened to my family. We have no traditions what so ever! We don't care wether it's Fathers Day or almost not even when it's someones birthday. We don't celebrate Christmas that much either. That makes me sad...

Since my Grandmother past away a lot of the traditions went with her. She tried to keep my father and his brothers together and twice a year I had the opportunity to meet my cousins.

My family are spread all over the world. My parents are divorsed, my sister lives in England... We are all split up! I don't like Family Holidays because I feel really lonely. Maybe it will be better if I have a family on my own, a boyfriend and children, but will that ever happen?

My father just called me and invited me for dinner tomorrow and that feels good! He lives together with Gunnel, and her daughter has just had a baby - so I will meet the baby for the first time tomorrow. I hardly know Jill, the babys mother, but I'm sooo excited to meet the baby. I never thought I would get this "baby-sick"...

Gained weight

2009-04-09T14:56:00.002+01:00

Well, I've gained almost 4 kilos since I moved back to Sweden. Well, it started in Brighton, when I was sick and in bed for almost three weeks! Then, when I came back to Sweden, unfortunately I have been munching sweets like crazy! I don't know how to stop it - I can't handle myself! It makes me really annoyed, but now I have started to write down what I eat in a daily diary and I also bought a scale yesterday so I can keep track on my weight.

I will loose 10 kilos.

But the main goal is to accept myself. I realise that even if I do loose weight (I know I can make it!) I will not be happy. I need to accept who I am and be able to say that I am magnificent and that I am good enough. For my health I will loose weight but as a person I am good as I am already. People likes me for who I am, because I am caring, friendly, honest and smiling. I am a determind person who will succeed with whatever I want to achive!

It's hard work to accept yourself, especially when you have been hating yourself all those years... But it's up to me now - it's my choice - how I want to live my life...

Absent

2009-04-09T14:45:00.002+01:00

Sorry, I haven't updated this site for ages!

I have moved back to Sweden! I am now a student in Uppsala. I'm studying Hälsoutveckling, translated to English I would say it's something like Wellness development. I will learn how to help people to live a healthy life. I love it! It's so much fun!

Since I'm back in Sweden I will not just write about my new life - I will write about my thoughts about life, relationships and so on.

Enjoy!

Looking forward to Christmas

2008-12-19T16:43:00.002Z

I am looking forward to Christmas. I don't even think of the appointment I have, even though that can make a difference in my life, but why worry?!

Some friends are coming over for dinner. I will have my Christmas dinner after all! I love having friends over for dinner! I will bake "lussebullar", maybe "kladdkaka" and some other stuff. We went to Ikea a few weeks ago and there we bought pepparkakor, glögg, sill, julmust mm. This will be a real Swedish Christmas.

The funny thing is that a guy from Sweden will come here too. His father lives in London so he will go till his father first, and then he will come down to Brighton and celebrate Christmas with us. His cousin might come too. The more the merrier!

Boxing Day (Annandag jul) Malin and I are going to Nahla, to have dinner with her and her two grown up kids. That will be really nice.

The only thing I miss is the Christmas Tree... We don't have room for it! Our kitchen is too crowded and we don't have a living room. Maybe a small one to put on the table?!

Worse than me...

2008-12-17T21:09:00.002Z

There are people having a hard time - who are fare worse than I am! I'm not bothered. If I have cancer, so what? I will do the course anyway, I will embrace life.

I just read Ulla-Brittas blogg, haven't done that for a while, and I realise that she is having a really hard time. I definately need to go to Gotland soon! Visit her, visit Isa, visit everyone I love there...

One week left to Christmas... I wish for a good Christmas Holiday! (Please hear my pray!)

Breastcancer?

2008-12-07T08:15:00.002Z

Well... I found a lump. It all started when my mother told me she had one and was going for some tests. Fortunately she is okey since it was just a cyst with liquid so they just emptied it. When she told me she had a lump I checked my breasts thoroughly (I usually check them) and I noticed something that hasn't been there before. I had a lump!!

I went to Sweden so it took me a couple of weeks to get to the doctor to check it. He confirmed that I do have a lump and I felt like crying afterwards since I knew I didn't imagine it.

I had an appointment at the breast clinic, but since I was due to have my period my breasts was too swollen so they couldn't do anything. They gave me a new appointment in two weeks time.

When I came there the 2nd time they were an hour late, and after the scan with ultrasound they told me they didn't have time for biopsi so I had to come back later! 2 days later I came back for the biopsi. I've heard some stories about it, so I must admit I was nervous and felt really uncomfortable. I got anastetic so I didn't feel a thing, but I really hope I don't have to do it again. Now I just have to wait till 24 december for the results. Christmas Eve!!! I just wish for a good christmas present then...

The thing is that the first doctor had a student with him and he explained a lot to her, which made me hear a lot more than I usually should have... So, on a scale from 1-5 where 5 is cancer and 1 is totally fine, I'm now graded as a 4.

The worst part is done - the biopsi. Now I will just have to wait, and I must say that my brain is great because I don't even remember this. I will not think about it at all. I can't do anything about it, just wait for the results, so why bother?! It doesn't make a difference anyway! The results will be the same with or without worrying...

Fingers crossed!

I'm going back to Sweden

2008-12-07T07:57:00.002Z

So... I made up my mind - I decided to go back to Sweden. I realised that I will have regrets if I don't try this. I want to change my life and do something different and this is my chance.

I really like my job and I actually like it even more now when we are really busy and need to work overtime. Not because of the money, but just because I like to feel needed and we have such a good teamwork. I love my colleagues! They are just great!

I will really miss Brighton, but for the moment it feels like I'm coming back - this is not definately. I'm going back to Sweden to get an education so I can earn some good money later. Then I can have the life I wish for in England. I will sort my things in Sweden and then we'll see. One thing leeds to another!

On the 11th January I will leave England to reach for my new future. A lot have happened in my life lately. Last year I moved to England, which changed my life forever. Now I'm making a big change again. It's a bit scary, but I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. I will follow my dream.

Accepted to the school!!!

2008-11-17T21:02:00.003Z

Today I got an email - I'm accepted to the school in Uppsala! It's two years studies and then I can work as personal trainer or wellness coach. Wow!

First I was offered the job as salesperson at the gym in Västerås, but I turned it down since it didn't feel right. After that I thought I might stay in England for a while since I can't afford another trip back home for interviews. Thought I was ment to stay for a while... But now when I have this offer - I can't really make up my mind. I can't say I will stay in England, since I'm afraid I will make regrets if I don't give it a try. It would be great to show myself that I can do it.

For the moment I feel fat and worthless since I haven't been able to loose as much as I should - I even gained weight when I was in Sweden! :( But I have to think of how I want to live my life - do I want to be fit och fat? My answer is: I want to be fit! So, if I work hard I will make it. I have two years hard work in front of me, but when I graduate I will definately be able to show a good example! Even though I might not work as a personal trainer afterwards, this education can bring something unexpected and I will have a lot of personal benefits from it.

So... What will I do?! Don't know...

My mothers lic

2008-11-17T20:55:00.005Z

When I was in Sweden I attended my mothers lic. I was very proud of her - she did a great job and she passed as well! Woho! Well done Mum! :)

Now it's gone!

2008-11-17T20:41:00.005Z

I was in Sweden for some interviews and I stayed in the guestroom at my fathers and Gunnels place. I love that flat! Gunnel has had a hairsaloon for many years and we were discussing hairstyles... It ended up with a haircut! I (or Gunnel did it for me) cut my long hair off!!! My dad said: Welcome back! when he saw me. Everyone who have known me for a while know that I have had short hair most of my life and I feel really comfortable with short hair. Soo... Good bye, wavy curls!

My friends and colleagues in Brighton got really suprised! Hahaha! My personal trainer hardly recognised me - he was not the only one who had to look a few times to be sure it was true. ;)

Intervju

2008-10-22T22:04:00.003+01:00

Soo... I have an intervju for the course in Sweden. The course that will make me personal trainer. Just a few days ago I said I would not accept it, that I would do something else instead, but now when I got the message I started to re-think. I feel I can't stay in England since I can't afford a proper house, but still, I like it here. Then I remembered my first plan - to become personal trainer and move back to England. So, I will give it a try, and if I get accepted I suppose it's faith. :) Going to Sweden next week - fingers crossed!

Playing with the camera

2008-10-06T00:20:00.002+01:00

Can't say that I lost more weight or got so much more toned... My body is not cooperating right now. I still work out hard - I do my training six days a week and I'm feeling great! It doesn't bother me that much that it takes time - I have my whole life to take care of myself. What if it takes a few months longer than I expected when I started? It doesn't matter!

Played a bit with my camera and here is a picture of the new me...

In love with someone

2008-09-04T11:14:00.002+01:00

It feels great to be in love. I love myself! Now I'm trying to do what's best for me, trying to take care of myself. I know I can make it, that I am a fighter and that I have a value.

I'm not going to settle with the second best. I've made choices before and said that if it's not good, it's not good enough and then I rather move on to something new instead of staying. Now it feels like I have even more reasons to think like that. Some people might think I value myself too much, thinking that I am perfect and that I have too high demands. Just to make it clear - I'm not perfect - no one is. But I will do my best to look good, be fit and be a loving, caring friend.

I have people around me whom I love, and it feels great to love someone and have that person so dear, even though it's a friend. Friends hopefully stays forever, boyfriends are just passing by... ;)

Hey, I'm hot!

2008-08-18T21:36:00.002+01:00

I've lost 14,5 kilo and I start to feel pretty. I'm getting more confident and I love to watch the new me. Sometimes I can hardly understand it's me watching back at me in the mirror.

I have regained some of my motivation and I haven't had sweets for over a week! Jippiiiieee!!!! This morning when I checked my weight I had lost 1,3 kilo - in one week! I'm so happy. Next week it's my birthday. First I was hoping to get down to 70 kilo, but I realise I will not manage that, but I will have reached 70 kilo when I go back to Sweden to celebrate my grandfathers 80th birthday. :)

Went out with my sister Saturday, and yes, I am noticeble... What a feeling! ;) I need the attention, I need to feel attractive - and so I did.

Still same weight...

2008-07-24T20:50:00.010+01:00

I haven't been that good... Have been depressed, lost motivation and I had a lot of sweets when I went back to Sweden a few weeks ago. I still weigh about 74 kilo and I was supposed to loose one more kilo before I can go jogging. I am really longing to go out jogging so I thought that would be encouragement enough to get a grip of myself, but obviously not... Next week I will start jogging!
Will enclose one before picture and one recent picture... Still I have a lot of excess "bagage" which I will get rid of!

The Downs

2008-06-28T19:18:00.002+01:00

Malin, Carin and I went to The Downs and had a walk from Ditchling Beacon to Devil's Dyke and it's a walk for about 7 miles (more or less 10 km). It was a beautiful walk and the weather was really nice! :) We had a great time. When we arrived to Devil's Dyke we had a pic nic and relaxed for a bit. Then we took the bus back to Brighton. We might do this soon again since we all enjoyed it so much! :)

A big laugh!

2008-06-15T20:50:00.002+01:00

I am taking pictures to follow my way to skinnyness... *laughing* I was posing in front of my camera and I look really silly and I laugh hard every time I see this picture. As entertainment I will share that one with you.

What the f**ck am I doing?!

2008-06-15T20:28:00.002+01:00

Ok, right now I think I have a cerebral haemorrhage. What am I doing?! Ok, I got disappointed when I was rejected. It felt as if nothing mattered, that I am not good enough and will never be good enough, no matter how much weight I loose. I just lost my motivation!

I have been eating sweets for one month now. During this month I have lost about 0,5 kg. What a waste of time! I could have lost so much more if I didn't eat chocolate and shit!!! Still, I can't help myself. I say to myself that I will not buy that shit, but still I buy it and eat it as if I'm not consious. It's as if I wake up afterwards and see the chocolate-stains on my fingers, the taste in my mouth and I realise that I have been eating something I shouldn't. How can I stop it?! I hate myself!

My personal trainer is back from holiday tomorrow. I know it's stupid, but I am hoping for a miracle. I am afraid he will get really angry and tell me off - it really scares me... But perhaps that is what I need to stop with this negative behaviour... It is waste of time and money if I continue to eat chocolate. Good, it feels as if I am loosing myself... I'm drowning...

Letting myself down

2008-06-01T20:37:00.003+01:00

I have had a couple of really tough weeks. I have been sad, I have had chocolate, my knee got swollen, I caught a cold. Really shitty weeks... :(

I was doing my workout on Saturday and then I felt my knee wasn't good. Told my PT about it and he checked it and said I need to give it some rest. Just do some cardio for a few days. Then I had my restingday on Sunday and then on Monday it was bankholiday, but I was working and when I left work the gym was closed so no workout on Monday either. Then I got sick (cold)... Went to the gym anyway on Wednesday. I was just going into the sauna, but I couldn't resist to do some workout... Felt quite exhausted afterwards. So no workout either Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Been out for some walks thought, so I have at least used my body a bit! Today it's Sunday and I went to the gym for the first time for ages!!! It felt so good!

Now I need to stay on track! I love the exercise, but I do have some problems with my diet. Everything got fucked up when I went back to Sweden. After that I lost everything... Must resist my cravings!

Now my PT is on holiday for 2 weeks so I must be good! I want to make him (and myself) proud of me when he is coming back! Want to reach my goal - have 1o more kilos to loose! Then I will look great - at least I hope so...

Well, now it's time to be useful...

Jogging

2008-05-15T22:39:00.002+01:00

I have started jogging outside and it's great! :) Last week when I was in Sweden I was jogging 5 km and that was ok. I also went cycling - 30 km. I am just getting better and better!

I can also see the difference and I get so many compliments. I have also noticed that men are noticing me much more. Don't know wether it's because I look better, or if it's because I feel better now when I loose weight and get more fit. Suppose it's a combination. I feel beatiful and I think the sparkles in my eyes are back!

My PT said something interesting today. He said: See yourself as an artist. You are sculpturing your new body. Sometimes when I feel down and want to eat sweets I should remember that it's not worth it.

One other thing he said is that I am able to do so many things that others can't do. I am capable of doing so much, a lot more than others. I know it's silly, but I feel a bit better knowing that I am doing a good job. We all have our challanges.

Need a new hobby?

2008-04-19T23:47:00.004+01:00

Today I sent a question to my PT. I asked him how long it must be between cardio workout and workout with weights. He hasn't replied yet but I suppose I will get the answer on my next session.

I asked this because I have a lot of time during the weekends so I was thinking perhaps I could workout twice a day. Perhaps go out jogging in the morning and do some weights in the afternoon. Hmmm... Life is not just about training is it? It feels like I am trying to flee from life, that I am hiding at the gym. Perhaps it's time to get a life, find some more friends and perhaps create a new hobby?

I don't know what that would be though... Perhaps I should study something? Start to play the guitar? I don't want to make my choices out of fear, so I should challange myself and do what I am most afraid of. I just don't really know what that is yet.

Any suggestions are welcome...

Stomach ache

2008-04-19T23:36:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I couldn't help to try feta cheese and that I regret after wards. Got horrible stomach ache! Thought it would be ok since it's sheep's and goat's milk but obviously not...

Today I also got stomach ache. Don't know why though... A bit irritating! Perhaps it can be because I have had dinner quite late the last week. Need to cook food in before hand. Don't like late dinners. Shouldn't have them either accordning to my PT, so...

Had dinner with Edith, Antonio and Susie today. Edith made Fajhitas and it was delicious! The only thing I shouldn't eat is the bread, the rest is just chicken and vegetables and guacamole and that is healthy food. We had a really nice time! I was hoping to go out dancing, but as usual everyone was tired so I went home to my bed instead...

Start jogging

2008-04-15T20:07:00.002+01:00

I will start jogging now... Feels great that I have improved that much and have so much more strength! Am really looking forward to go jogging! I think I will go up 30 min earlier every day and start my morning by jogging round the block. Then I will do my usual training at the gym in the evening.

This is great! Now I just need some inspiration concerning my food, but my PT will give me some recepies. He said something about going shopping and that he was going to show me where to get the stuff. Did I hear it right? Are we going shopping together? Perhaps I misunderstood... Well, never mind. If I get some recepies it's great and if we are going shopping together - that is fantastic! I'll just wait and see...

Not an ordinary woman

2008-04-15T19:54:00.005+01:00

Am a bit happier today. The depression from this weekend is gone and I feel like dancing again!

I had another lovely session with my PT. We worked a lot with my arms today... I can just imagine myself in a linnen this summer - being proud of my arms... I know I am silly, but I can't help it. I think I have always been this silly... I want to look strong and I don't care that guys get intimidated by women with muscles! I have devoted myself to celibacy anyway so it doesn't matter what guys think of me. If I keep going on like this people might think I am lesbian... I am at the right place for that anyway (Brighton)!

Riding my bike, hanging out with the cool guys who ride their bikes on racetracks, am training hard and get toned muscles... That does not sound as an ordinary woman, does it? But, that is true - I am not an ordinary woman and I am NOT lesbian! ;)

Hairspray

2008-04-12T22:31:00.004+01:00

I have just watched Hairspray with John Travolta. Wonderful movie! So much nice music that I wanted to dance to! :) It made me feel a bit better too. The character is quite fat and the story is about her dream of being a part of a dancegroup on television. People says she is not suited for it because she is short and fat and have a different appearance than the other girls. Still she succeeds, because she is a great dancer.

I love movies like that! Ok, even I react over her obesity, but still I notice the spark in her eyes, her lovely smile and I think this is a great person who shouldn't be judged from her appearance.
Still I am counting on others to judge me from my appearance and I belive they think I am not good enough...

Where did my confidence go?

Now I would like to go out dancing, after watching this movie, but do I really bother to go out? Drunk people, guys trying to get laid... I just want to dance on my own, not to get disturbed by anybody!

What's realistic?

2008-04-12T19:41:00.002+01:00

Ok, yesterday I checked my meassurements with my PT.

Weightloss: Think it's about -6kg during 2 months
Waist: -4 cm (but according to my own meassurements I have lost about 7 cm on my waist)
Hips: a few centimetres
Butt: -6 cm
Thighs: -2 cm
Arms: -4 cm

My arms is the only thing that impress me. Otherwise I just feel a bit disappointed. I know I can't expect miracles and I will still be me, but... I can never become someone else by tranining and loosing weight, so I suppose I need to accept myself. It's just that I hate my hips, thighs... Right now I can't stand to see myself in a mirror. I just feel so fat!

I know I need to be patient! But even when I have lost a lot of weight - I will still have my bodyshape. I still need to accept who I am. I have said before that I start to love myself, that I feel so good and so on. Well, today I hate myself.

Ok, I feel sorry for myself, I am wining and am totally hopeless, but tomorrow everything will be much better - at least I hope so...

-10,4

2008-04-11T08:22:00.003+01:00

Ok, I had some help this weekend... I was sick and lost 3,7kg in one week, so now I have lost 10,4 kg. But, I am afraid I will gain some again, now when I start to drink water and eat again. Well, at least I know the reason to it!

Today I will check weight and measurements with my PT. I am really excited!

Bicycle

2008-04-07T15:38:00.004+01:00

On Saturday I bought a bike. I was supposed to pic it up yesterday, but I got food poisoned... :( Today I was able to keep the water and food I had, so I went to the shop to pic it up. It's not a beauty, but hopefully it is good enough to go on excursions with. I haven't really tried it, will do that tomorrow or another day. The only thing is that the brakes are shrieking and I don't like that. Even if it was a fairly cheap bike, it should have good brakes. Perhaps I can fix it...

As you can see it's a white/greyish bike with some pink on it... But since I don't know how long I will stay here, I didn't want to buy a very expensive bike. Just as long it's working I am happy.

Now I have a bike, then we'll see if I dare to use it. I still need to remember it's busy left hand trafic...

Well, I will go on a pic nic this weekend. Perhaps go to Devil's Dyke that I've heard so much about. Now I am able to experience more, because I can reach a greater distance with a bike.

Booked flight to Sweden

2008-04-01T22:30:00.002+01:00

It feels like I am going home too often... I will go home the 2nd of May, to work for SMC a couple of days. It will be fun - I hope! Perhaps too much history involved, but I will manage.

It's 4,5 weeks till I go. What can I achive until then? It would be nice if my parents and friends will see the difference.

One thing I wonder about is how long it will take to reach my target. What targets do I have? I don't really know, do I? I suppose my PT will tell me when I shouldn't loose more weight... I will never finish, I will just continue... When I reached my target to loose weight I just get another target to get more fit and so on. As my PT said today, new challanges is a good thing!

Perhaps I should work even harder before I go home?!

Grateful

2008-03-31T20:57:00.003+01:00

I read a book about gaining selfasteem, written by Mia Törnblom and one task she gives the reader is to list 3 good things about the day, 3 things you are grateful for and 3 things you need help with. My list today:

1. I was doing a great work out at the gym
2. I was trying to be a good friend and support my colleague when her boyfriend called at work and act like a complete arse...
3. I have been listening to music and tried to cheer up!

1. I am grateful for being able to go to the gym and have a great work out
2. I am grateful for having friends who misses me
3. I am grateful for having a good job

1. Please help me to be positive
2. Please help me to achive my goals
3. Please help me to accept myself the way I am

Weight

2008-03-31T20:47:00.003+01:00

Well, it's Monday and I weigh myself every Monday. I had the same weight as last week. I have noticed a pattern... Every two weeks nothing have happened and the week after I loose about 1 kg. It has been like this for the last six weeks I think. The good part is that I know I am doing what I am supposed to, so I think my body just need some extra time to adjust. I will loose weight, I will get fit and I will succeed! It's just taking a bit longer than I hoped for...

Well, it's not an option to give up - this is the way I live now. If I continue I can't fail!

The good part is that I feel so good and I can actually look at myself in the mirror without getting disgusted - that is worth a lot...

Thank you for the strength to change my life!

No Food

2008-03-31T20:38:00.003+01:00

I am sooo tired. I went to the gym and I felt like I could go on for hours, but as soon as I went into the shower I got so low. I had no inspiration what to cook, nor the strength to do it, so when I came home I just had some porridge. But now I don't have anything to eat for lunch tomorrow!!! I don't eat in the kitchen anymore, it's to busy and to small so I don't feel comfortable there.

I just feel annoyed! I know that you need to respect each other and try to share when you live together, but right now I am longing for my own place!

I hope my housemates go to their boyfriends and girlfriends so I have the house for myself this weekend so I have time to clean and cook and some time on my own...

Am trying to cheer me up with some music but it's not really working...

-6,7 kg

2008-03-28T23:26:00.002Z

I have lost totally 6,7 kg since 29th January 2008. I feel so good, am so happy and I love my new life! On Monday it is time for my next measurement and I hope it will go well. I am nervous every time I am going to step up on the scale, but I tell myself not to be in a hurry. I need to find a way that will work for the rest of my life - that will not happen right away.

It will take time since I have a lot to loose, but I am confident I will succeed, thanks to my PT. :)

Suddenly I start to accept my looks... I will never become a model, but that is not what it is about, is it? I want to be healty, I want to like myself, I want to be able to handle a relationship and I hope I will not be totally obsessed with looks... Unfortunately I think to much about looks, mine and others...

Eating disorder

2008-03-19T07:46:00.003Z

Ok, perhaps it's not as serious as it sounds, but my colleagues says that I have an eating disorder. All I can think of is food and training, and especially food I can't have... When I was ill last week I was thinking of sweets all the time, but now I am allright. Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness, I ordered sweets from my sister who is coming today...

It is hard, and I know I am obsessed, but I can't help it. My mum says that I am overdoing it and pushing my body to hard. I shouldn't listen to everyone, but it is difficult!

I'm trying to tell myself that I want to be healthy, but then I also need to find a balance in my life.

Then I start to think again that I would like to work with massage, health and training. Perhaps I should go back to school and get an education?

Back in training

2008-03-19T07:41:00.002Z

I met my PT yesterday for a session. It felt great to be back! I couldn't do any training for my upper body, but it was ok anyway.

Some exercises are quite difficult - yesterday I was doing a new one and I had problems to find the technique - I lost the ball all the time!

I was just going to say that I think I have improved myself according to the abs training, but then he gave me an exercise and I thought I could never ever move... It's a weird feeling - you know what to do, you struggle, but your body doesn't move...

Virtual model

2008-03-17T11:56:00.004Z

I just found a webpage where you can make your own virtual model. Here I have made one of me today and one model of what I could look like at 65 kg.

Still in pain

2008-03-16T11:11:00.002Z

Now I have been in pain since Tuesday. This is exhausting! I haven't done any exercise for days, not even lower body, because as soon as I am moving the body twinge in pain... So, I decided to give my body some rest...

I am afraid that I will not be able to work tomorrow since I'm not well yet!

Tomorrow I am going to weight and meassure myself, and I am afraid it's not going to be good because I haven't been exercising...

When you are in pain, you feel hungrier. I have tried to keep my diet, but this week has been really hard. Haven't planned my meals that well, because I had no strength to prepare a lot of food. I just ate the simpliest, fastest I could get my hands on...

Injured!

2008-03-13T18:44:00.003Z

Now I have had great pain in my shoulder since Tuesday. This affects my mood, my determination and diet...

I just want to lye in my bed, eating chocolate and sweets, but I know I wont get better from that!

I need to rest my shoulder and I shouldn't type this on the computer, but I can't do it with one hand! Am off work today and tomorrow and then it's weekend - hopefully I am fit for fight on Monday!

My training will continue, I will just work my lower body and skip my upper body for 2 weeks.

Typical.... :(

HOJX

2008-03-11T20:29:00.004Z

HOJX is the name of the cruise I went on... I met some friends, I danced, was a conferencier and sang karaoke and got on 3rd place! All together a fun weekend!

Holiday in Sweden

2008-03-11T19:45:00.003Z

Well, the holiday in Sweden didn't end the way I planned. I didn't exercise as much as I wanted - I thought it was a bit expensive so I didn't go to the gym, neither to swim when I came to Västerås. But, I did exercise everyday, by going for long walks, shopping and doing exercises with the pilates ball I found in Dad´s flat.

It was hard to find proper food on the cruise to Finland. First night was ok, because it was a buffé. I couldn't resist to try some of the desserts, but I got a bit of bad consious so I just had a few bites and then I left it... My sister reminded me about the starving children in Africa, but no way I was going to eat everything up!

Saturday was awful! Nothing was opened so we had to buy sandwiches. My sister is vegetarian and I wanted to eat according to GI. Good luck with that! We bought turkey wraps - that was the best thing we could find!

Well, we was dancing a lot anyway, so I got some exercise that way...

I had a great time but unfortunately I didn't meet that many of my friends, except for my bikerfriends on the cruise.

It's nice to be back at work and back to the gym. People has actually missed me at the gym! Ryan asked me where I have been because he hasn't seen me for a while and the same with Shauna, a girl from Canada I met a few weeks ago.

Had a hard session with my PT yesterday and I guess I got what I deserved - and I felt great!

Holiday is nice, but I am happy to be back!

-5,3 kg

2008-03-11T19:37:00.002Z

Ok, now I have lost 5,3 kilo totally! First I thought that 5 kilos is nothing, but then someone said that it's great and I started to think...

So, my weightloss is only a few kilos, but the change is much bigger than that. I have lost 5 kilos and people are already saying that I look great and so on. I FEEL great! I enjoy my exercises, I enjoy my meals and I enjoy life! I walk with my head high, confident, and I get noticed!

I am on my way to my new life and it does not feel like I am giving something up. No, I just enjoy it!

Even my PT said I looked great when I came back from my holiday.

My hair is shiny and gorgeous, my skin is much cleaner and healthier and I have that little spark in my eye. I want to stay like this!

I am learning to love myself for the first time in my life!

Difficulties when you loose you routine

2008-03-03T12:44:00.002Z

Now I am in Sweden on holiday. I don't really have that happy feeling. Yesterday I went for a fast, long walk for 90 minutes, but that was it. Today I haven't had any exercise yet because that damn place does not open until 16:00! Went for a short walk outside, but it was freezing! Had been snowing...

Tonight I will go swimming and tomorrow I will go to my dad's place in Västerås and then I will have a lot more to choose from! Then I will go to spinning class, go to the gym, go swimming and so on. Then I will go on the cruise so I know I will not do any exercises Saturday and Sunday, except for dancing.

I miss my gym! I miss my PT... I realise how much he helps to keep my motivation...

People already say they can see a huge difference. I don't know really, I just know I am on the way to a better self.

Looking good at the gym?!

2008-02-25T20:43:00.004Z

I have heard that a gym should be a good place to look for a partner... I have seen girls doing their make up before they go out to do their work out. How the hell can you try to pic up a person at a gym?

A normal person should go to a gym to get a proper work out - that means a lot of sweat. How attractive is that?! I can say that I don't feel that attractive and ready to flirt with a guy when I am a the gym. I am red like a tomato in my face and the sweat is dripping!

Well, I have heard that it is good not having a lot of parfumes that will hide your bodyscent, because the feromones decides wether you get attracted to a person or not... But really...?! I don't enjoy sweatty, smelly men... And I don't enjoy myself the smelly way either!

No, the people that is saying the gym is a good place to flirt, they must have misunderstood what you are doing there.

Oh, now I am great again!

2008-02-25T20:22:00.002Z

I met the PT today, but we didn't check my weight or anything else. I have already done that so it doesn't matter to me - now I had one hour training instead. Much better! :)

We started on the crosstrainer and I said to him that I am soo tired and I am afraid that I have had too little to eat. Just after a few minutes on the crosstrainer I felt much better!

It's nice with the warm up because then we have some time to chat. After that I am to concentrated on my training and struggle to manage the exercises so I am not able to speak! I think it's good that you feel confident with- and trust your PT. I don't know if I should belive in faith, but I think he crossed my path right in time. This is just what I needed!

As I said, we had a nice chat today. I told him that I am telling everyone that I will become gorgeous when I have reached my goal. His answer was: Looks is not everything. Yeah right! He has been competing in body building... Easy for a person who has the right looks, to say that looks is not everything! ;) Then he said that I should say: I am gorgeous, now I will become fit! I can always try... You who knows me, know that it's not thay easy.

Then he commented that I am very flexible. How he knows that?! Well, at the end we are doing some stretching - what did you think?! He asked me if I knew how come I am this flexible and I couldn't answer to that. He said it's because I have no muscles - and I belived him!!! Then he laughed and admitted that it was a joke... I was scared for a moment it was even worse than I thought! :) I am from Sweden, but not blond, even if it seems as I am...

I'm tired

2008-02-25T06:56:00.003Z

Recently I haven't eaten as much as I should. I prepare the dinner and when I put it in my diary I realise it's too little! More than three days it has been less than 1000 kcal and then I have exercised and burnt 500-800 kcal... No wonder I am tired. The problem is that now when I was checking my weight it was the same as last week. I need to eat more to loose more weight...

It is difficult to find the balance, but I will not give up!

Tonight I will meet my PT and he will check my weight as well - hopefully bodyfat also. I hope that shows better figures...

More energy

2008-02-20T21:03:00.003Z

I have done 2 sessions with my PT now. I feel so energetic, happy and content. The training is fun, I am looking forward to it all the time!

I do 2 classes of spinning a week and tomorrow I will try body pump. Then I will do the program I got from my PT and the 5th day I will do the training with my PT (different exercises every time). That means intense traning five days a week. Lovely!

Ok, I realise I have a long way to go, but after only one week I feel so different! My PT says that I will notice a big difference after three months and I am sure he is right! I can imagine...

On Monday we will make some new measurements...

Insuline resistance

2008-02-20T20:35:00.003Z

I have bought a book called "Beyond GI - Understanding Glycaemic load" by Dr Fedon Alexander Lindberg. This book is very good because it explains the importance of having the right sort of diet.

Did you know that you can become insuline resistant? Do you know what that means? Who can have it?

When you eat, your blood sugar is rising. Your body start to produce insulin to take care of the glucose, but your liver and mucles can only store a certain amount. The reminder will be stored as fat.

Hyper insulinemia is increased production of insulin which can lead on to reduced insulin sensitivity (insulin resistance). That means that your insulin level remains high all the time, whether you have eaten or not. However, it is only the posibility to lower the blood sugar that is not working anymore, the insulin still stores fat. That makes it quite impossible to loose weight!

If you are overweight you are most certainly insulin resistant. About 10% of the population in the developed world have insulin resistance, even though they are normal weight and have no other health problems. If your body are normal but you belly are bulging, you probably have insulin resistance.

An improvement of our eating- and exercise habits can of course make it better!

The right way

2008-02-18T07:00:00.004Z

I also use Aftonbladets Viktklubb to keep track of the calories I eat. We weigh ourselves every week and meassure our waist once a month. Today I was time to do both.

Weight: 84,1
Waist: 81

Weightloss of 3,9 kg in three weeks and I've lost 5 cm on my waist.

This feels really good! It doesn't feel like I am giving up something either. I just have so much fun! Now it's even more fun to go to the gym. I've tried some classes and that made me talk to some people at the gym and that makes me less nervous.

The work out is intense, but it makes me feel really good afterwards. I am proud of myself when I realise what I'm actually capable of doing.

Some advises from my PT

2008-02-18T06:55:00.002Z

I got some advices from my PT the other day:

Eat according to Glycemic Index
Don't eat carbohydrates after 17:00
Don't eat later than 5 hours before you go to bed

I will not eat dairy the next three weeks and I will not eat sweets, chocolate, cakes, take out and so on for the next three months.

One tea or coffee a day and not after training.

1st session

2008-02-13T22:21:00.003Z

Now I have done the first workout session. Wow! It was really hard and my PT said he was taking it easy because I just have had a cold... Oh my God! I don't think I have ever done a work out that hard...

Pathetic! I thought I was quite good, going for walks and going to the gym five days a week. I don't even use 50% of my capacity (my own calculation)!

I still think this is good and a great investment. I know it is expensive - I will pay £140 for one month of four sessions with my PT.

It is a bit scary and I was a bit nervous before this session as well. I think I am nervous because I have always been overweight and I don't really know what it's like to be slim and fit. I try to create an image in my head, of how I will look like, but it is difficult.

Variables for success:
Reset my mind.
I am determind to succeed!
It's all in my head!
If I think positive and think that this is my new way of life and that I will get slim - I will succeed.

I can't give up. Can't waste my money by giving up.

Now it's time - time for my new life...

The beginning

2008-02-12T22:36:00.001Z

Today I had my first session with the personal trainer. I was soo nervous! I don't know why, but to be examined and meassured by a person, that was scary... It is one thing when I know I am overweight, but completely different when you have proof of it and someone else is confirming it. That is hard!

To make it even worse, I will now write everything down here...

Startdate: 12 February 2008
Weight: 86,8 kg with my shoes on
Height: 162 cm also with my shoes on! 159 cm without them, I think...
Bodyfat: 42,6%

Within three months I will have:
-reduced my bodyfat
-lost about 10 kg
-less backpain
-a smaller dress-sice

So, how was it then?

It was a very nice session, even though I was nervous at the beginning. The personal trainer is easy going so I soon felt relaxed. We didn't do that much exercise because I had to do the health check first, but we had about 20 min in the end. That 20 min exercise made me realise how much more you can push yourself without a problem. You think you are doing your best at the gym, but that is nothing compared to when a person is standing beside you, telling you what to do.

You will use a lot of your money to reach your goals, but after several attempts with no results, I think it is worth it.

There is no maybe, there is only: I will make it!!! With the help from my PT I will become a slimmer, healthier and happier me, just within some months!

I will keep you updated...

Background

2008-02-08T21:47:00.000Z

During the last years I have tried to loose weight. I thought I ate healthy, I have been exercising a lot and even tried prescribed medicin, Citalopram, in hope of loosing weight. Unfortunately nothing worked!

I have been depressed during a long time and after a while I didn't know what to do. To get out of this dispair I decided to move to England, to my sister.

Now I have a good job and a lot of new friends. I quit all my assignements when I left Sweden so the only thing I do is working and exercise basicly.

To get the right balance between diet and exercise I have decided to consult a personal trainer. I was going to meet him tomorrow, but unfortunately I have a cold and must wait till next week. I have a new appointment on Tuesday. I am nervous...

When I have met the personal trainer I will tell you about my programme. I will also give you information about my progress.

Yesterday, when I saw my reflection in the mirror I saw a vision of what I could become. I have been overweight for all my life, but now I actually think there is a possibility to reach my goals!

I am not happy with myself - now is the time to make the difference!